Now the trail still leads into unknown places. I have never had a dog in my life this long. Karen and I have only had to make a decision to let Poni go. That lesson was amazing in its beauty and rightness, and searingly painful in its loss and heart break.
I think it is the ultimate end to any guardianship, to help in the passing on to the next stage, to make that as caring, pain-less and honorable as you can create.
She is my partner, and I already mourn her. Each day is beautiful and new and brings tears and memories I want to imprint in my brain like nothing else I have ever experienced. Tonight I rubbed her soft fur near her ears and felt the two shaved bald patches on her side where the ultrasound imaging was performed. I realized she has a very protective layer of fur. It has always been there, but it keeps me from touching her skin. Her soft white skin with the dark spots is baby smooth and so foreign to me. As foreign as the path we tread. There is no leash, there is no leader... we walk side by side into the next clearing, past the tall trees and onto the next rise to take in what ever is next. We face forward, looking back, me more than she, and take strength from each other. I think she feels better but tired, and that is all. Nothing has changed for her, really. But for me, my world has screamed to a slow pace filled with a desperation to capture it all and let nothing escape.
When I arrived at work yesterday, I noticed the leaves in one of the parking lots had changed mostly to gold. The quality of light was actually different because of the leaves.
When did this happen?
I need to stay aware of real time while I just want to focus on how many rubs and pats I can give Puppette.
October? It is tomorrow and I do not know how it got here.
Did I blink again?